HASH-NOSH An Ever-Evolving Saga

In our society, one of the most fascinating relationships is the Hash-Nosh (Saas-Bahu or the mother-in law – Daughter in Law) bond with all its complexities. Across barriers of language, region, religion, local culture etc, one thing that stands out is the complex and mostly uneasy relationship between the two ladies of the house – the Hash (saas or MIL) & Nosh (bahu or DIL)! That might be one of the primary reasons for the enormous success of the Ekta Kapoor type of ‘saas-bahu’ Sagas over TV. Every woman has a grievance against her MIL and, later, against her own DIL – honourable exceptions apart. We have a saying in Kashmiri,” Loktcharasasemhash tezaambadith cham nosh tekoor” – loosely translated,” In my youth, I had to contend with my MIL and Sister-in-law; in my older age, I have to fear my DIL and daughter” – the true lament of a woman! And not just in India – am reminded of the immortal lines penned by the famous American storywriter, O. Henry (William Sydney Porter, 1862-1910) in his short story ‘Schools and Schools’:” Since the beginning no woman has been a mystery to another woman. Swift as light travels, each penetrates the heart and mind of another, sifts her sister’s words of their cunnings disguises, reads her most hidden desires, and plucks the sophistry from her wiliest talk, like hairs from a comb, twiddling them sardonically between her thumb and fingers before letting them float away on the breezes of fundamental doubt. Long ago Eve’s son rang the door-bell of the family residence in Paradise Park, bearing a strange lady on his arm, whom he introduced. Eve took her daughter-in-law aside and lift ed a classic eyebrow. “The Land of Nod,” said the bride, languidly flirting the leaf of a palm. ‘’I suppose you’ve been there, of course?” “Not lately,” said Eve, absolutely unstaggered. “Don’t you think the apple-sauce they serve over there is execrable? I rather like that mulberry-leaf tunic eff ect, dear; but, of course, the real fi g goods are not to be had over there. Come over behind this lilac-bush while the gentlemen split a celery tonic. I think the caterpillar-holes have made your dress open a little in the back.” So, then and there, according to the records, was the alliance formed by the only two

who’s-who ladies in the world. Th en it was agreed that woman should forever remain as clear as a pane of glass-though glass was yet to be discovered-to other women, and that she should palm herself off on man as a mystery.” In Kashmir, we have a long-recorded narrative of poor treatment meted out to the nosh (DIL) by her hash (MIL), best exemplifi ed by the anecdotal details associated with Yogini Lalleshwari (Lal Dyed), 1320-1392 CE; the maltreatment meted out to Lad Ded is part of Kashmiri folklore – how the wicked MIL would underfeed Lalla by keeping a stone underneath a sprinkling of rice in her plate to make it look and feel heavy. Lalla being an evolved soul, she never complained about the little quantity of rice fed to her; instead, she would wash the stone and carefully keep it back, along with the ‘toor’ (her metallic plate). One day, when a feast had been arranged at her ‘in-laws’ house, she is reported to have commented wryly,” Bhat marityanyabhatiyeny,,  Lalli nilwathtchalye ne zanh” – loosely meaning, ‘No matter what happens in the house, how many feasts are arranged, Lalla shall continue to receive the stone in her food plate.”

Habba Khatoon (1554-1609), the well-known poetess and consort of  Sultan Yousuf Shah Chak of Kashmir has written a very moving song about the ill treatment meted out to her by her ‘in-laws’ that goes,” “Waryivyenseety ware chas no, chaarekarumyon, maalyinyoho” – loosely translated as” I am not in  good books of my in-laws, O my Malyun (father’s house), please take care of me,”! Another of Kashmir’s illustrious spiritual daughters,’ Mata Roop Bhawani (1621-1721 CE), born as Alakheshwari, was seriously harassed by her MIL

for following her spiritual practices. The us, our community has an ‘inglorious’ tradition of harassing our DILs, despite having a history of being educated, emancipated, and culturally ‘evolved’. Nothing very different from other parts of India, of course!

What causes the MIL-DIL Friction:

 Th is, of course, is a topic for research for sociologists and psychologists. My thinking on the subject is strongly infi uenced by the treatment I saw being meted out to three cousin of my cousin sisters in 1970-80s period by their respective MILs. I have not forgotten their tears of frustration, partly because of the tyranny of their MILs and partly due to the failure of their respective husbands to stand by them. As a layman, I decided to do a bit of research by speaking to some people in my circle, especially women; I was particularly keen to know the opinion of ladies who currently are both a hash and a nosh themselves (or have been, in recent past). Some research has been done in the West about the causes of this continuing friction between a mother and her son’s wife. A study by a Cambridge University psychologist Terri Apter shows that more than 60% of women sincerely felt that friction with their mothersin- law had caused them long-term stress. Aster’s Study further showed that most common fl ash points were routine issues such like child care, housework, and minor points like whose job it is to do the ironing. A common fl ash point is the diff erence between the approach of a more experienced matriarch and obviously less experienced daughter-in-law. At times, there are ethnic and religious diversities that further accentuate the friction level. Her study also showed that two third of women said they felt their mothers-in-law were jealous of their relationships with the sons. On the contrary, two third of the mothers-in-law felt excluded by their sons’ wives. In short, this is nothing but a difference in perception and perceived bias. An Indian marriage portal (shaadi.com) conducted a study a few years agoon this perennial issue that showed that over 64 per cent of women preferred to live away from their parents-in-law and start their own nuclear families elsewhere. Lack of compatibility, need for privacy and compulsions of job requirements have been the major reasons for such a decision. In such a nuclear family, the daughter-in-law naturally feels more comfortable(boss?) and independent. Some of the points garnered by me are:  

A ‘loss of control’ Syndrome:

In our families, particularly in smaller families, mothers are known to be close to their sons and, to a certain extent, exercise control over them psychologically! Th e moment a young

lady enters the house as a bride to lay a claim on her son’s affections, attention and time, the mother suffers a sense of loss of power over her son. Th at she (MIL) herself, as a young bride had done the same thing, in her youth is conveniently forgotten or justifi ed. Th e DIL and MIL assume the son as their source for survival in the family or society at large and are competing for the same ting: the favour of one man. Th is could be a major reason for an inherent dislike between the two. These feelings, if not addressed or controlled, can lead to an underlying feeling of jealousy that is awkward to acknowledge or even talk about. Result, of course, is some petty nitpicking and fault finding by the senior lady of the house, resulting in bad blood, and strained relationships. l

Underlying masked insecurity:

 Oft en MILs suffer from an inherent sense of insecurity. Th e insecurity can be real or imagined; it could come from the physical looks of a DIL –more  beautiful and, obviously younger than her, or, better educated, having a decent, independent earning, driving her own car etc. God forbid, if the DIL is earning more than her son, MIL takes it as a personal slight. Another aspect of insecurity stems from the fear of being ignored or eased out of the son’s life – whether son- DIL have such plans in mind or not becomes irrelevant. L

 

Comparison – my time vs her time:

 

MILs tend to compare their own times and traditions and facilities (or lack of those) with the current (read modern) trends and facilities available to the new bride – result, obviously is some heartburn. I recall, in 1977, in Srinagar, one of our neighbours started narrating to her DIL that as a young bride (in early 1950s) she had to perform backbreaking domestic chores – bringing water up three floors, using a wood burning stove (Adan) for cooking, cleaning of the house(livun) and utensils (baanesurveny) etc – no domestic  help was available in Kashmir. No doubt, life in 50s and 60s was tough, particularly for our women folk. By 1977, much had changed by way of living conditions but the MIL need not have taken it out on the poor bride – it was not her fault at all. In 1980, I even saw a MIL frown on her son as he very timidly mentioned his plan for going on a honeymoon – just because ‘in her time’ such pleasure trips were not in vogue in our KP community. Even today, that lady remembers and taunts her husband for not having exhibite courage to take her for a pleasure trip, post marriage! l

A sense of one upmanship:

In our society,  it is considered rude for a son to be angry with his parents or respond rudely to a provocation. Obviously, rules for the DIL are more stringent. So, snobbish MILs find it easy to find fault in anything the DIL does or does not do- shades of the classic Hindi TV sitcom- Sarabhai vs Sarabhai! The criticism can range from the colour of skin to shape of her nose, to her overall looks, dress sense, habits, choices, culinary skills (or lack of those), to management of the household, dependence on maids etc. Another soft option for the MIL can be the malyun (paternal family) of the DIL –in sly, oblique,  lanted references, she vents her spleen on DILs family for all sins of omission and commission, perceived or otherwise. The opportunities present themselves particularly when parents come visiting, be it in India or abroad – dear MIL must criticize for the sake of it, just to watch her son-DIL squirm. No MIL worth her salt misses an opportunity to take a parting shot on her son-DIL, knowing that their response shall not come because of the social taboo associated with it! Observance of religious rituals comes as a handy tool for the MIL – the bride is expected to forget her upbringing and whatever she has believed in or practised till her marriage and to observe festivals/ religious rituals exactly the way MIL wants or has been practising. This is a major cause of friction in marriages with inter-community/ interstate background. l

High expectations:

Every MIL wants her DIL to be a super superwoman - Sarasvati, Lakshmi, Rambha, Annapurna, and Savitri all rolled in one (excepting maybe Durga or Kali); obviously, there are no such expectations from a son – he is allowed to be the Raja Beta with pink toes! DIL needs to go out for earning  but on return, must attend to the cooking and other household chores. In an era of perceived gender equality, this dichotomy riles the younger woman! l Refusal to let go: To my mind, most of the issues between  MIL-DIL stem from refusal to share power! MIL, like a typical Indian politician, wants to cling to authority and power lifelong while the upstart DIL wishes to stamp her own authority on ‘her’ household. It generally starts with the kitchen – power lies in the ladle of yore! DIL resents the ‘interference’ or ‘remote control’ by the mariarch in everyday affairs, particularly if she is living independently, at a different location. L

 Resentment against ‘paternal interference’ (by girl’s parents):

There was a time when parents would not partake even water from a daughter’s household. Times have changed and today, both sets of parents stay by turn with young couples, particularly when grandkids arrive! Babysitting is one of the commonest duties being performed by grandparents, especially when kids are living in a different city/ country! Some conservative and insular MILs start resenting the presence of the girl’s parents even while they are aware of their own stay/ travel/ visa limitations. In a classic case recently, a MIL, while expressing her resentment to the DIL for herparents’ presence in the US following her delivery, told her that “in ‘my time’, my mother did not come to stay with me” – forgetting that ‘in her time’, both families were living in the Srinagar with loads of relatives around to look after the newborn baby! Such irrational ‘thinking’ enhances the friction between DIL & MIL and if MIL  expects ‘respect’ after such stupidity, then  she seriously deserves what she gets in place of ‘respect’! l

 Evolution of an ‘I-Me-My’ syndrome in today’s generation:

Family nuclearization has led to mostly a ‘one child family’ and parents are focused on giving the child best of attention and facilities. Parents tend to be overprotective. Absence of siblings and cousins leads to the development of traits like selfishness, and inability to share or accommodate. In Kashmiri, we have a saying,” Kunyegab byemuthyelyej’ – loosely translated as single goat tends to monopolize the feed basket! In my childhood, I have seen 6-8 cousins sharing a room during summer holidays – something unthinkable in today’s environment. Growing up together, we learnt to adjust and commodate. That training of accommodation is missing in today’s children, both boys and girls. Today’s  kids need to learn that people can be different in approach, orientation, views, concepts, and beliefs. Life demands adjustments since NOBODY is perfect. It is only in fantasy or in Indian movies that one can find the ‘perfect’ partner! Even Indian movies rarely show the aftermath of marriages, most movies end on an “…and they lived happily ever after’ note. Not for a minute am I saying that all DILs are snow white, naïve, and innocent while all MILs are fire spitting dragons! We humans come in various shades of white, black, grey, and in-between permutations! Recent times have shown some horrifying, ugly sides of human nature that have resulted in serious Maltreatment being meted out teach other. There are instances of brutal treatment meted out to DILs by hawkish MILs, resulting in police cases and litigation – along with instances of the older couple receiving harsh treatment from the young DIL. Evolution of gated Senior Citizen societies or old age homes is a symbol of the deteriorating relationships in our society. I have the horrifying example of a couple of known elderly couples who were neglected by their children in their final years and, as one parent passed away, the other was almost left to fend for himself/  herself. Kashmiri Pandits have traditionally been an educated but socially conservative society. I feel that 1970s marked a watershed change in Kashmiri Pandit society with women taking up employment outside homes becoming the norm. This naturally entailed several ‘adjustments’ within the families but homebound MILs were happy to welcome ‘earning’ DILs, even if it meant extra burden for them. Financial prosperity also brought about ‘relocation’ to newly developing colonies from the old city and, to the ultimate nuclearization of families (byonnyerun, in Kashmiri). Financial independence positively impacted the confidence level and assertiveness of women in our social decision making. Post Exodus from Kashmir, doors for getting technical education opened in a big way for our community. A sea change has come over our society since then, with about 2-3000 children getting absorbed every year in various technical and management courses all over the country. More children, especially girls in big numbers are

finding well paying jobs in the corporate world and IT sector. An increasing number of our children( boys and girls, both) are finding life partners on their own – barriers of caste, community, region, language and even religion have been breached. We are preparing our girls to be superwomen, able to conquer the world by educating them and empowering them but we are not teaching our sons to be equal partners and think beyond old and  redundant gender roles.

 Independent Living – A New Norm:

 As more and more people of  my generation are living in empty nests, kids having flown the coop due to their jobs, people are developing a habit of living independent of children, at least partially. We find such couples in almost every city. After a while, independence becomes a habit. A friend of mine got his Canada PR about 10 years back – after a couple of visits to their kids in Canada, they decided NOT TO TRAVEL again since they found their independence hindered. Likewise, another couple spends a month each with their two sons in Mumbai and Bangalore respectively but prefer their own nest at Faridabad for the rest of the year. Such living reduces chances of friction, both parties knowing that co-living is only for a brief period and both parties shall regain their respective ‘independenc ’ soon!

 Adjustment – the only solution:

Unlike the West, we do not expect our kids to leave home after they turn 18! I recall a Canadian woman of Indian origin telling me that she was going for a weeklong expedition to Iceland with her son because in a  couple of months, he would be turning 18 and would thereafter leave home! Family has always been the corner-stone of Indian society and we wish our children (particularly sons) to be part of our homes even after their marriage! ‘Adjustment’ is the eternal and time-tested mantra for both the MIL and DIL. We must deal with present day realities of life. Our children are leading ‘pressure cooker’ lives with high work pressures and job expectations! The kind of job uncertainties and insecurities our children are facing in their high-profile jobs is only to be seen to be believed. Hence, the advent of an array of maids and cooks into our homes – for performing day to day household chores like cleaning, dusting, washing, cooking etc! To expect a working DIL to cook meals daily is a pipedream in today’s world of ‘eating out’ or home delivery through Zomato, Swiggy, Food Panda and the like! My DIL would often order a typical ‘Hyderabadi Dum Biryani late in the evening, once she got free from her job! Who am I to resent that? Our time and lifestyle, our socio-economic realities were different but how can I criticize today’s generation for behaving in a different manner, given the changed circumstances! Times change and the change invariably impacts our social behaviour. Our generation shall need to learn to ‘accommodate’ and adjust to the changed socio-economic realities and changes in lifestyle. I have seen numerous instances of parents and children living independently in adjacent flats in the same society/ building, employing a common set of cook-maid combo – that helps both couples to coexist in near perfect harmony, without treading on each other’s pink toes and corns! We in India cherish close contact with families and enjoy the big fat Indian family get tog ethers! To enjoy our lives, we must learn to adapt to changing times! That is my mantra for the Hash-Nosh duo! The best reply I got during my interaction with ladies was from a highly qualified non-KP doctor who is married to a KP super specialist. “Our marriage took place after a lot of protest from both sides. But, from the day I entered my MIL’s home, I was welcomed with open arms. I must have done a lot of punya to have Mummy (herself a famous doctor) as my MIL. She has been always on my side, never her son’s. I married my husband for love and got Mummy as an additional bonus. I think Mummy did not want another eneration suffering the Hash-Nosh trauma. She had a difficult time and did not want her DIL to go through the same.” The day this feeling enters a MIL’s core, the Hash-Nosh conundrum shall stand sorted! The first step towards acceptance, obviously, must come from the MIL  

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