We have received very good and encouraging feedback from many of our esteemed readers on the observations made last month in this column. Everyone seems to be convinced that the lip-service that we are paying to our sacred religious ceremonies, particularly the most important Yageopavit sanskar, tantamount to violating all that is ordained in our scriptures but no one is prepared to bell the cat to bring about perceptible reforms in the prevailing customs of our own making. Not that the suggestions mooted by us are anything new and have not been put forward earlier. Many concerned members of our community have been voicing their anguish from time to time, at community get-togethers and through writings in newspapers and journals, on our degrading social customs, which we continue to observe blindly even though we are convinced about their irrelevance. Our attempt here is only to supplement this concern in the hope that it may someday stir our cumulative conscience and prompt us to sit back and ponder on what measures to adopt to stem the rot that has set in.

Let us this time take a look at our marriage ceremonies and the extent to which we have drifted in the observance of some of the customs and rituals. While it may have been convenient to observe most of these customs back in the Valley when almost all relations and friends used to reside at one place and the festivities would go on for weeks beginning first with Saat Livan, that is heralding the house-cleaning on an auspicious muhurat to be followed, after some days, by formal livun. Then you had the mas-mutsrun ceremony, i.e., loosening the hair of the would-be bride. Nowadays, most of the relations being scattered in different parts of India and even abroad, it is hardly convenient for them to assemble at the marriage venue so many days in advance to participate physically in these ceremonies which perhaps can be dispensed with or observed without any fanfare within the family itself. With marriages being performed in community halls, Janj ghars and, in some cases, even hotels, which are hired for a limited number of days only, lodging of the guests for longer periods not only causes great financial burden on the hosts but leads to tremendous inconvenience to the guests as well. Can't we shorten the duration of our wedding ceremonies from more or less 10 days at present, to just a couple of days, say from Mehndiraat proper to the actual wedding day, with Devagone intervening?

 

Again, it is sickening to observe that instead of adopting healthy customs from other countries, some of us have started imitating bad customs like hiring bands for the baraat and indulging in dancing on the roadside which is totally alien to our great cultural traditions. Of late, with preference for day-time weddings, particularly in Jammu. this trend happily seems to be dying down.

Then take the so-called Ghar Atsun ceremony after marriage. The rationale behind this custom (which means formal entity to each other's home) was that since the elderly relations from the groom's side, particularly ladies, did not accompany the Barat, they were subsequently invited on a convenient day for a formal welcome and a feast. This was, however, confined only to very close relations. As a reciprocal gesture, relations from the bride's side were also later invited to the groom's place. This was, of course, not binding on either party and could be postponed to a much later occasion. But, what do we see now? Ghar Atsun has become an essential and integral part of the marriage function with two more days added to it, one for the Ghar Atsun of the groom's relations and friends, even acquaintances, at the bride's place and the other for the bride's relations and friends at the groom's place. And, the place in most cases, all of us know, is not the actual home of the groom or the bride but the hired Janj ghars or hotels. What is the purpose? It is only to show off wealth in the form of lavish feasts consisting of exotic non-vegetarian dishes and accompaniments which hardly need to be spelt out. In case a Tuesday or a Thursday (when mostly people do not take meat) intervenes, then the period gets further extended. Let us be frank to admit that the objective is only to partake of the delicacies because no non-vegetarian fare is served on the baraat day. No one is interested in any formal introductions of the new relations. When we invite our non-Kashmiri friends to our marriages and Ghar Atsun ceremonies, they are simply amazed at our luxurious ways, particularly when we are lamenting day in and day out on our economic plight during the diaspora.

Coming now to the dowry part. Despite our daughters being highly educated, most of them settled in good professions as doctors, engineers, MBAs and chartered accountants, exchanges in cash and kind in the form of dowry are crossing the limits. We had thought that when our girls are well educated, the need for giving huge dowries would automatically die down. But with higher education and better jobs in hand with our girls, the greed for dowry seems to be insatiable. When we are beating our breasts through newspapers and journals and at different fora about the distressing economic conditions of our community in exile, does it behove us to continue indulging in such lavish expenditures as part of our marriage functions. When will our highly educated and well-placed boys wake up to the reality of the situation and become trend-setters by refusing to accept huge dowries at the time of their marriage? We have come across a few instances of this kind which are laudable. But that does not set the trend.

While indulging in such luxuries, do we ever spare a thought for thousands of our fellow members presently languishing in refugee camps and tenements, who are in dire need of financial and other support to enable them to live with honour and dignity, educate their children or even marry off their daughters? Can't we scale down our expenditures on marriages and other functions and willingly spare the money thus saved to be put in a fund

properly administered by our Sabhas or Samitis for the general welfare of these brethren.

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Courtesy:  November 2000 Koshur Samachar